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I Believe, Help My Unbelief

1 – Poured Out

This is nothing new; I’ve said it before, all my demons found an open door. I thought that I could write them away, just be transparent enough; don’t give them places to stay. I sought salvation through the ink in my pen as if it held the parts of me that I just couldn’t cleanse. I am stuck on repeat regurgitating everything that’s inside of me, screaming the same words for all these years. God, why is my trust outweighed by my fears. Outweigh my fears. Keep my eyes from worthless things. I’m terrified I’ll just fall to the way side and become a blind beggar in this city of grace, unaware that the glory and the riches await just passed my doubt on the other side of wasting away. Give me a new voice, give me a heart for repentance and make it stay cause I’ve idolized my words, I’ve idolized my words. It’s all my fault; I can feel the pull I just turn away. Stuck in a rut but it’s comfortable and I’m terrified of change. I need to think; recollect your words that set me free but I’m still just stuck on repeat. I’m getting sick, I’m getting sick of this. It’s all starting to feel like home. No matter how far I run my mistakes follow me wherever I go. I’m losing my grip, I’m losing my sanity. Where is the cure? Where is the cure?

2 – Beggar

I built my tower high above the clouds, it fell under the weight of expectation. I built my tower high above my doubts. Erase my fears; forget I ever had them. I am contemplating the difference between pride and apathy. For my whole life seems like I’ve shut out the truth and made myself numb with these senseless distractions. Show me just how poor I really am. Illuminate the distance between your will and my plans. Onward and I cannot breathe. The air is so thin and it is suffocating me. Why do I elevate myself up to this place? If I could only realize that I am just a spec, a shade of gray. I know that I am nothing but I get inside my head. You are the masterpiece, I’m just a blank page. Show me that I’m poor. Show me just how poor I really am I need to see it clearly. I’ve got cloudy vision again. Would you clear the skies and let me see how far I’ve pushed away from you, I no longer see it myself. Stand my kingdom next to yours, let me watch it crumble. Though I know it’s fragile I still hide behind its walls. Only God knows why I am this way but I have been for far too long if I could see that this euphoria is a lie then maybe I would come back home.

3 – Empty Words

If I’m gonna be honest I’m scared to tell it all. If I let go of my secrets will I have anything at all? If I’m gonna be honest transparency’s my god. But I keep all of these secrets to make it seem like I’m not lost. I’m not lost. This is the lie I tell myself and this is the reason that I’m still here. Weighed down by the guilt of it all when every confession is insincere. I know, I know it all too well but I keep going back because at least I’ll have a story to tell. I have a story to tell. But I’m still dirtier than I thought I’d ever be. I keep hiding from the cross cause deep down I don’t want to be free. I wanna hold on to this darkness; scream it loud so I am heard. If I’m gonna be honest, it’s the same song I just rearrange the words. I’ve been too scared to move past, to move past everything I’ve done. The devil that I know is better than the one I don’t. I know it all too well, this is not the story that I want to tell. Cause I’m still dirtier than I thought I’d ever be. I keep hiding from the cross cause deep down I don’t want to be free. I wanna hold on to this darkness; scream it loud so I am heard. If I’m gonna be honest, it’s the same song I just rearrange the words. This is the only way I know how to cope; just grit my teeth and bare it all. This is the only way I know how to feel, so I stay put to keep these stories real. I know there’s been truth in the things I’ve sought. And I’ve screamed transparency, but I’m all talk.

4 – Reveal, Renew

God did not die for this American dream so what makes me think I have the right to be free to overlook everything going on while claiming that this place is not my home? I’ve buried my head in the sand for too long; watch the divide grow from the excuses. I’ve hid my face cause it’s a broken world but I can’t look away, I’m filled with questions. Why do I sleep when everything around me starves and bleeds? I just keep my eyes blind and clean because I choose look away from everything. I am the lost son. I’ve seen the bodies burn, plunge to the ocean floor. I’ve seen the masses gather crying out for a cure. I’ve watched a gap place itself within the human race. Surely there must be a way out of this. Give me peace. Show me the reasons, I can’t comprehend. I don’t believe silence is the answer. I’ve got blood on my hands. I’ve seen broken lives hang on to broken dreams reaching out while everything is crumbling. Kingdom come and restore what’s been stolen. Take your place and reform all this chaos. I try to hold on to hope but some days seem hopeless. Take 2 steps back to let it all sink in. If your cross has no place in this then I want no part of it. Kingdom come.

5 – Quiet Life

Close your eyes they’ve all turned into fire. My greedy hands are reaching out, holding on for something more. Left to my shelter hiding my face from the liar. I cross the line in the sand I drew myself. If it’s you in the air why can’t I see? This is the place where you should be. Separated from earth, I stand here blooming in reverse. Separated from the earth, I watch it fall apart again. Separated from the earth, I stand here blooming in reverse. Separated from the earth my convictions are dead. I’ve seen the eyes, seen the eyes of the liar. My confession is that they still belong to me. Vindicated by the eyes, by the eyes of the quiet. Have I lived beyond my means again? If it’s you in the air why can’t I see? This is the place where you should be. I am the barricade standing in my own way. I am the end of the path getting caught in my trap. I am the fake. I am the fiend. I am the king of false humility. Have I been cut off? Is this all undone? Have I gone too far to find my way back home? Are the lights turned off? Would guide me back? And if I make it alive will there be anything left? I know this is all, all my fault but I can’t help point at you, shift the blame. I’m reaching for the rope with empty hands and calloused skin. I’m finding out, I can’t consume; can’t contain. I poured it out from where I used to be. I poured it out from where I used to be. I poured it out; I poured it out. I need to breathe, I need to breathe, I need you to fill these lungs. I need to hear you speak. Do you even have a voice? Speak, let the earth melt. Speak, fill this vessel once again.

6 – Aftermath

Tear down your idols, the monuments of filth. When will we see that this is counterfeit? Throw it all away. Infatuated with a love that can’t reciprocate. Viewing this life through broken glass. Staring down these paper walls, pinned to the ceiling and wasting away. It’s so much easier when you’re lying to yourself. I’ve heard the sirens’ song, this is how you kill a dead man. I’ve heard the sirens’ song. It goes on and on and on and on and on. I’ve heard the sirens’ song, this is how you kill a dead man. I’ve felt the effects for too long. Set your sights on the weak and feed off their excuses. Justified by lies, anything to hide the truth. Led like sheep to the slaughter, this freedom isn’t free. Justified, these lies are justified. All hail the empire of greed. Restore all the years that have been stolen by lust. Restore all those years and don’t let me rot. Don’t let me rot. I was a slave to the ways of my own. Robbed blind; stripped bare; dirty and alone. Restore all the years stolen by lust. Restore all those years; don’t let me rot.

7 – Remission

Living out in the deep I am everything I’m not meant to be. Convince myself I suffered well. This is comfortably numb separate from you. I’ve let these hurdles turn to stone, tied to my neck and I’m alone cause I built my pride into a throne but it’s all just pulling me under. I tried my hardest to break free; just get my head above and breathe. I lost my bearings in the undertow. I can’t stop them, they keep coming. I try to fight but they’re still pulling and pulling. With every stone I sink to the bottom. I can’t stop them, I’m barely hanging on. Pull me out of the cycle. I’ll disappear, I’ll disappear. This repetition is endless. Inhale, relapse, repeat. This is getting old. I think my apathy is taking its toll on me. Calm and composed but on the inside I’m losing control. If you can calm the sea you can still the storm inside of me. I was unprepared, these crippled legs won’t get me anywhere. Oh God, oh God I need you to carry me farther cause I’m still learning how to walk on water. I can’t stop them, they keep coming. I try to fight but they’re still pulling and pulling. With every stone I sink to the bottom. I can’t stop them, I’m barely hanging on. I’m barely here. I’ve seen this all before, I know exactly how it ends. There’s no ocean floor, you sink until you learn to swim. I can’t stop them, they keep coming. I try to fight but they’re still pulling and pulling. With every stone I sink to the bottom. I can’t stop them, I’m barely hanging on. I’m barely here.

8 – House Fire

Let’s look back on all the things that were said to me. Pull apart the morals and the lessons that were so clear to see. I was raised in the church. I was taught the truth or at least how to repeat it but now I can’t be too sure. I never questioned, I never searched for my own. I tried my hardest not to stray from the beliefs of my home. I’ve been trying to remember all the truth that you’ve said but I get lost with all these doubts and fears there’s so much doubt and fear inside my head. Burn it down, let it go up in flames. Let the whole thing be rebuilt. Burn it down, I wanna watch it crumble. I want to know the truth, I want to see your life first hand. Take me to the place where it all began. I know you must have been so different than me. I want to know how you lived and I want to feel your heart beat. I don’t just want the stories I want to see it all as if I was there. I want to walk the path you walked and I want to breathe the same air. Cause I can’t help but question when I’m still doubting everything. Show me your life from when you were born to when you hung on the tree. I want to see the burial grounds. I want to see the stone rolled away. Filled with doubt; these relentless questions pounding in my head. I want to know the truth, will you answer me? It’s as if the Holy Ghost himself came and took me to that place, gathered all my questions at once and swiftly threw them all away. I saw blind eyes opened, I saw mangled bones restored. I heard all your sermons and watched you calm the storms. But I looked down, I took my eyes off you. I lost track and fell back to the same place. Tossed around, I started doubting you. I’m right back to where I began. After seeing all of this and hearing all your promises Id still be in the crowd holding on to my doubt. You’d probably hear me say, “I don’t want you to die, I don’t want you to die. There must be some other way than this worthless sacrifice. 3 days later just doesn’t make sense. I don’t want you to die, I don’t want you to die. Even if you showed the scars in your hands to me. I think I’d still be filled with doubt and I just wouldn’t believe. I wonder if I’ll ever be fixed. I don’t want you to die, don’t waste your time on me.”

9 – Sojourn

Left in the middle, left in between a dream. This nightmare is on my lips now. I didn’t want you to surrender, I didn’t want you to die; outstretch your arms for me and commit this suicide. Why did you love us enough to leave us? I wanted you to stay. Now I’m left in the middle, come back to me. Now that you’re gone I’m starting to forget who I am. I don’t belong in the pages of your notes. And now that you’re gone I can see the gap so clear and I’m starting to realize…I am Barabbas, I am the criminal. Hang me from the tree. I deserve the death that you died, I am far from worthy. I am Thomas, I feel my doubt constrict, I am too blind to see. Show me the holes in your hands, I believe, help my unbelief. Come back to me. Now I’m starting to forget and I’m growing weary. How did you pronounce love and how did you weep? I don’t know when you’re coming back, all I know has gone away. Restore all those memories and please return to this place. Can you make sense of this? Cause I’m still filled with questions. Would you come back to me and help me sort through the madness? Pull apart every doubt that remains. Lay it out clear as day so I don’t forget your name. I am, I just need to hear it. I am, scream it out; let it resinate. I wanted more time to tell you I love you. I wanted more time, I wanted more. Let heaven meet earth. Come back to me and bring me home.

10 – Convalesce

How foolish of me to think that I was alone, left to my vices abandoned and hollow. Pleading for deliverance; set me free. Bathing in ignorance when my chains no longer bind me. Terrified; I find no comfort in solace. Buried alive; I keep my face above the surface. I know that this is not the real me. Through the silence I hear you whispering. I stopped pursuing, I stopped believing, I stopped looking for you. Convinced myself I was justified when you wouldn’t cater to me. I’ve grown tired wrestling with doubt, so sick of falling short and failing myself. Who am I to question your love? Who am I to question all you’ve done? I forget you have the strength to calm the storm. Terrified, I find no comfort in solace. Buried alive, I keep my mask tied to the surface. Face to face, this is not the real me. Break through and rip off the seams. Would you crack my ribs and reset my heart, open up my skull and pick my brain apart? Rearrange all the mess in my head, breathe life into what once was dead. Here I go, here I go again pleading for the freedom that you freely give. Shouldn’t once be enough? Shouldn’t I be free? Oh God, what the hell is wrong with me? You never went anywhere. I turned my back on you. Despite my pride and my running away. I hear you calling, screaming out my name.

11 – I Believe,

This is the last time I’ll ever lie to myself. I’ve seen a glimpse of the truth, let it bring me to my knees. This is the last time, please let it be true. The wind that I chased has led me right back to you. How many times have I said these words? How many times have I fallen short? How many times will I repeat this cycle? Over and over again; I’ve gotten used to this. It’s like I’m addicted to my failures cause I keep going back to my sins. But I don’t want this anymore. I want to surrender once and for all; once and for all. I can’t believe I’ve been stuck in this place for so long. I lost my way and I can’t go back the same path. I can’t believe I’ve been stuck in this place for so long. I lost my way I don’t know what I’m thinking. I’ve been looking for a silver bullet; anything to take this away. I’ve been looking for the easy way out instead of pushing through the pain. This is the last time. I don’t care if I’m wrong. This is the last time. I’m prone to failure but I won’t give up. This is the last time I’ll ever lie to myself. I’ve seen a glimpse of the truth, let it bring me to my knees. This is the last time, please let it be true. The wind that I chased has led me right back to you. I’ve tasted and I’ve seen but still I want more. I’ve tasted and I’ve seen but once is not enough, come back to me. Make me a servant, make me a slave. Anything at all, just don’t turn me away. Make me a servant, make me a slave. I’m not worthy enough to bear your name. I’m too lost to be called your son.

12 – Help My Unbelief

I don’t care if this is in vain. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I know this won’t be the last time. No matter how far I run you follow me where I go and you lead me back home. I can see I will fall on my own. I believe, I will follow you home. Lead me into the waves so I can see you standing over them. I want to feel the oceans tremble. I want to fall in love again.